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Once, standing in line to die

One night I had a dream, and maybe not a dream, where I found myself in a lightened room. There were other ten or twelve people with me over there. I knew that those were people who, like me, were asked death for themselves. And now were stood and waited how God was going to  respond to our requests.

Then there appeared white light image having the features of a man, with a list. And he began to read the names of those to whose prayers God responded positively, meaning their desire would be satisfied and they would be granted death. I all strained, because at that moment I understood that I didn’t want my name to be recorded in this list I didn’t want to die then. The light image read the list with the names of several people present, but, praise God, my name was not there. How good! How good that God sometimes answers ‘No’ to our prayers!

Then I saw myself not in the room but in my bed, alive. I couldnt sleep. My heart was filled with gladness and thankfulness to God, that He gave me more time to live!

As you understood, I never again asked death from God. And my opinion has somewhat changed. Before I was concentrated on my own self, so poor, wretched sufferer, and on life circumstances. Now I began to see the mercies the Lord grants me every day. I saw how different and beautiful the sky can be. How beautifully the pine trees wave their branches in the wind. How beautifully the birds chirp. They remind me that, if the Heavenly Father cares for them, the more so, He will care about me, His child. I have a wonderful job, my children and I have clothes and food – what else do I need? The Lord has taken care of the most necessary in my life and I have all reasons to be satisfied and thankful, and not to ask for death.

This was the lesson the Lord taught me. I also found that, on the Bible pages, there are recorded stories from lives of the men of God who had similar experience. For instance, the prophet Elijah, tired and disappointed, sat under a juniper tree asking death for himself. And he didn’t see it, because the Lord took him to heaven alive. Job, in his deepest suffering and weariness, was asking for death. Аnd the Lord blessed his last days more than the first ones. The same happened to me. Maybe the Lord prepared blessings after suffering for me too, and I want to leave without waiting for them.

I will wait for them, hoping and trusting Him, my amazing Savior and Teacher. But even if it doesn’t happen, I believe that my pleased and thankful heart in itself is already a blessing.

N. Gan 

February 19, 2007

Translated by Anna Sedova 

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